As the best post marital detectives agency in Mumbai, I have seen marriages heading towards divorce because of our investigations revealing the truth about an extra marital affair that some of our client’s partners have been guilty of. To reduce the karmic burden, I have taken it upon myself to write a weekly column on our blog about solutions to relationship problems between man and wife. You can read my other articles here on marriage problems.
Now Here’s a Shocking Truth
So you have hired private detectives like us to gather evidence about your spouse’s affairs and you have made up your mind to file for a divorce and then perhaps after the hurt has healed remarry a person who will never cheat on you and everything will be good and proper, right? Wrong! It is well known that 50% of FIRST marriages end in divorce. Do you know what percent of SECOND marriages end in divorce? It should be LESS than 50%, right? After all, who would make those same painful mistakes again? People marrying a second time have the “benefit”of knowing what kind of person to pick this time, right? The divorce rate for SECOND marriages is 70%! And THIRD marriages – closer to 80%! Do you mean to tell me my chances get worse not better?”
That’s right. Because the key to succeeding in marriage is NOT finding the right person, it’s YOU becoming the right person. We’ll get back to that point in a moment. If you are a woman reading this and you are itching to get out of your relationship and you want to dump that creep of a husband you have and find someone who is a lot better than this guy well lady you’ve got another think coming! Did you know that women who finally get out of abusive relationships usually fall in love with another abusive man? What bad luck, right? It’s not luck.
And if you are a man unhappy about your current relationship get this – Did you know that men whose first wives cheated on them usually get cheated on by their second wife too? How could that be? You’d think that after suffering the torment of infidelity a man would only marry a woman with impeccable morals and unwavering commitment. You’d think so but it doesn’t work that way buddy. Listen to this story. It’ll pull all the pieces together for you.
People Are as Good or as Bad as You Want Them To Be
So you see, people are not as you see them, people are as YOU are. What do you get when you smile at someone? You get a smile back. And if you stare at someone? You get a stare back. What you get is what you are. We’re NOT an objective observer of the people in our life; we’re a subjective influence. In other words, our presence changes what we observe.
Let me give you a simple example. Let’s say you wanted to measure the temperature in a small room. So you bring a thermometer into the room and wait for a reading. But since your body temperature is 98.6 degrees, the fact that you’re in the room changes the reading you get. As long as you’re there, things are different. It works the same in your marriage. Your relationship is not simply a function of who you pick, it’s also a function of who you are. Who you are and who your spouse is mixes to form the dynamics of your relationship. I know you want your spouse to change. And YES your marriage would be better if they did. But YOU changing can change things just as well.
It Is No One’s Fault But Everyone’s Responsibility
Now, please listen carefully and please don’t misunderstand my point. I’m NOT saying that everything is your fault. If your spouse also happens to be reading this post of mine, then they’re also reading the same message directed to THEM. It’s no one’s fault, but it’s everyone’s RESPONSIBILITY. In other words, BOTH you and your spouse contribute to the dynamics in your relationship, whatever they are, and BOTH you and your spouse can single handed-ally change them.
No matter what your spouse did to cause your marriage to deteriorate, they’re responsible. And they should change. But you played a role too. I know that’s hard to hear. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. But once you swallow it, you’re no longer a helpless victim, you become empowered to change circumstances that seemed out of your control. It’s easy to confess your spouse’s sins. And you’re probably correct about what your spouse needs to change. But it does no good to be right. And it’s a complete waste of time and energy to focus on your spouse’s problems. There’s nothing you can do about it. Your spouse will change only when they’re ready to change. The only relevant question for you is:
What’s YOUR medicine?
You had a role in the deterioration of your marriage. I’ve never seen a marital situation caused by one spouse. There’s always dual responsibility. What can YOU do to improve the situation? Reflect on your past relationships. Do you see a pattern? Look at your parent’s marriage. Are you recreating the model you saw when you were a child? Have you explored with a professional the childhood roots of your relationship habits and how they contributed to your marital circumstances? Even if your spouse had an affair, you’re partly responsible. That doesn’t mean that it’s your fault and it doesn’t excuse your spouse’s inappropriate behavior, but the question still remains: What was your spouse seeking outside your marriage that was not available within Don’t just sit there sulking in the misery of your situation while you wait for your spouse to change or for God to perform a miracle. If you want your situation to change, then change it! Do YOUR part. Because if YOU change, then everything around you changes too.
How to Say I’M SORRY
This one is for those who have cheated on their spouses and broken the trust inherent in a marriage and also broken the hearts of your partner. If you want to make up which is always the right thing to do then have you ever heard the expression, “Love is never having to say you’re sorry?”
Sometimes I wonder how such utterly ridiculous expressions become commonly accepted. If you’re close to someone, you’re going to step on their toes occasionally. And when you hurt someone, ESPECIALLY YOUR SPOUSE, it’s important to say, “I’m sorry.”
Not only is it important to say “I’m sorry,” but it’s important to say it well. Usually the words alone are not enough. You have to get inside your spouse’s heart, feel their pain, and in order for them to forgive you, they have to feel COMPLETELY understood. Otherwise, you might say, “I’m sorry,” and your spouse might say, “It’s okay,”
but nothing will change. You could be stuck in that hurt for years. I wish for you and your spouse that you SUCCESSFULLY move through your past hurt and that “I’m sorry” restores your relationship the way those 2 magic words have the power to do.
And oh need I mention you can call me on my Mumbai number +91 98206 07875 to discuss aspects of an extra marital affair that may be bothering you and we will ascertain the real facts and set your mind at ease.
Amit Sen, a commercial pilot by training, has over 15 years experience in the space of corporate investigations, handling Copyright & Trademark infringement cases, Pre – employment verification Industrial Espionage investigations, Asset & Net – Worth assessment assignments and vendor / supplier verification cases, among others. Co-founder of Alliance One Detectives – which is the best post marital investigation agency in Mumbai, Amit has also successfully completed corporate investigation assignments in a wide range of sectors, including the machine tools industry, pharmaceutical industry, hospitality sector, specialized equipment (Oil & natural gas sector, aviation industry etc.), telecom industry & the IT & ITes sectors. These cases have all involved both offline and online investigations.